I Am My Mother's Daughter

"My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter." - Spanglish, 2004

Today is what would be my mother's 73rd birthday. I didn't even realize it when I woke up this morning...but when I glanced at the date on my computer screen at work, it struck me.

She passed away 15 years ago, the "C" word, she was only 58. But she wasn't just a mother to myself and my brother, she was the matriarch of our entire extended family in this country.

Mount Annapurna in the Himalayas

Anna, her name was Annapoorna, sanskrit for 'the giver of food and nourishment', was exactly that. She thought nothing of having 100 people over to our house for dinner parties, and she did it often. I grew up in a home where we always had family and friends over for dinner, and regularly had huge gatherings where my mother was the hostess, chef and entertainment. She was an accomplished Indian Carnatic music singer, and after she served everyone a multi-course extravagant gourmet dinner, she would then sing for everyone into the night. She was always the last to want to leave a party, she was always laughing, she always found the humor and positive in everything, she loved having fun and she loved life. This was my upbringing...I was raised by a woman who felt that life was to be celebrated to the fullest.


She was an amazing woman. She was strong, she was smart, she was talented, she was beautiful, she was funny. She was not afraid.

She would have been 73 today, yet I never knew my mother as an old woman, she left us at such a young age.
My children were 7 and 5 at the time, my niece and nephew not yet born. My kids remember her, but they were still so young, though the last words she spoke were to my son in the hospital, "Go home and be happy." 



Today I have been reflecting, and I often wonder what my mother would think of my life path and journey, and what words she would have for me now...I do not nearly possess her strength and courage.

And yet, I am my mother's daughter. 

A Weekend on the Island

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.”― Henry David Thoreau, Walden: Or, Life in the Woods

I read "Walden" before I moved to the island...Kauai is my equivalent to Thoreau's woods. It is isolated and solitary, yet it has allowed me to focus on the essential facts of life, and I am attempting to learn what it has to teach me. The island has me attempting to discover that which is real and true, what is necessary, what is frivolous, what is frivolous yet necessary for me, and the ability to recognize the difference.

I have been feeling a little beaten up lately. Not everyone shares the same vision or desire to focus on the 'prana' or life force which drives us and guides us. And of late, I have lost my focus as well, and am struggling to regain my center. So this weekend, I decided to create two days that would recharge me and nourish my spirit.

My 'weekend' is Tuesday and Wednesday. My first commitment is to my yoga. 90 minutes of grueling heat and postures, and as my teacher said yesterday, 90 minutes of intention without expectation.

An amazing class and an amazing way to start most days. Shower and then off to Ke'e Beach, where I basked in the sun, swam in the sea, and saw a monk seal basking as well!

Heading home I was fortunate to catch the end of a beautiful Farmer's Market in Hanalei, and was able to replenish my supply of organic fruits and vegetables...day ended with a delicious homemade quinoa pilaf with onion, tomatoes, green beans, carrots and basil, all fresh from the market.

Today I had a snorkeling excursion with Reef Guides Hawaii. As an excursion that I regularly recommend and book for work, I wanted to experience this particular guided tour through one of the reefs here on North Shore. For those of you who know me well, you know that although I am quite athletic, swimming, especially ocean swimming, is not my forte. Yet I found myself signed up for a snorkeling trip where I would be swimming about 250 yards off shore...and though initially I was panicked, I talked myself into just breathing and staying calm, and I was able to turn my fear into strength and had an exhilarating morning and afternoon. And to top it off, my guide commented on what a good swimmer I was...I love it!

Fresh mango salsa heaped on pan-grilled opah, and then a written reflection to end the day...a great weekend on the island. Simple, not glamorous, yet true to self, true to my center.

On the Grid Again: A City Vacation

Well. I just returned from a 12-day long vacation on the Mainland...and where does someone who lives a simple island life go on vacation? The city. With skyscrapers and shopping malls and bridges spanning large bodies of water, back to civilization...and it was fun and amazing, maybe the best vacation ever.

First stop, Portland. My son graduated with his MBA from Willamette University's Atkinson School of Business...on Mother's Day. What a gift, a year since I had seen my children last. It was a day full of joy and pride and happiness. Four nights spent in Portland, kids, shopping, the beginning of a 12-day fine dining journey, a Bikram yoga class in a new studio in Portland, and did I mention great meals and no sales tax??

On to San Francisco, the familiar, the place I called home for nearly all my life. It was so much fun to be there...I ate food in restaurants that I had been craving for months, I ate in new restaurants I had always wanted to go to, I saw some of my best friends and colleagues, I was a tourist in my own city, took pictures of the Bay Bridge and Union Square, and had a smile on my face the entire time...it was honestly the funnest few days I have had in a long while.

And lastly to the South Bay, San Jose, to stay with my brother and family...I spent time with them, my father, got to see my niece in her school talent show, got to go to my nephew's little league game, and have a family dinner with my aunt and uncle and cousins as well.

Such a well-rounded vacation, a perfect balance of family, friends, home and city. I enjoyed every minute of my time off the island...and yet, I am so happy and tranquil being back home, on my island, my new home.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is such an all encompassing word, we are told we should forgive, that it is a virtue to forgive, that it will set you free...and yet when we speak of forgiveness, so often we are speaking of forgiving another person, someone and something external to us.

I have been spending a lot of time alone, in a beautiful place. And I have lately been having pangs of extreme happiness and joy...and in my moments of overwhelm, I question why and how I am feeling this way, why and how I deserve this...and I have realized the answer. I have been having surges of forgiveness...forgiveness to myself. 

I have for years and years held myself to such a high standard. I have spent a lifetime judging myself. And though I still have that high standard for myself, I have of late allowed myself room to breathe, room to be human, and have allowed myself to begin to forgive the countless mistakes that I have made in my lifetime...the same countless mistakes that I forgive in others...yet I have allowed that forgiveness to roll in my direction and I have allowed myself the same compassion that I direct towards others.

And in that forgiveness and compassion, I see and feel happiness. True happiness. I am a fun-loving and kind person, light in spirit and at times, even funny:)  I am enjoying the times of lightness...enjoying being happy...and I am realizing that I am as entitled to that feeling as anyone else...there is no telling what I can bring to the world with my positive light and energy...to be continued:) 

Moving Personal Space

I am getting ready to move early next week...not much more than a mile up the road. But moving is difficult, and though I don't have much 'stuff' anymore, it is still a challenging process. For those of you who do not know, I had shed most all possessions prior to moving to the island. I sold my pretty house, my pretty car, my pretty furniture, my pretty 'stuff'...all to come to the island with minimal baggage.

But moving is not just the moving of the stuff, it is the moving of your personal space...and that is sometimes the challenging aspect of the move. My physical items will be moved in a matter of a few hours, with the help of a few friends, but the shift of personal space is the move that requires an open mind and a willingness to shift perspective to be open to a reality that is different and new. One grows accustomed and attached to their personal space and comfort zone, and moving requires a shift in all that has been comfortable and a stepping out of what has been the routine. There will be yet another new routine, there will be yet another new schedule, there will be yet another new shift in my reality...a reality that has been in transition for the last several years now.

And so I will be moving and transitioning again...all of my moves have been good ones, and this will be also, but it is still a change in my personal space, and a lesson to not get too attached to one's space, because it is ever changing, and that is what makes life so interesting. Life will be a bit new and different next week, and I will transition and shift into a new reality and personal space...looking forward to my new, and did I mention, oceanfront life...next blog will include pictures...aloha!

Only Boring People Are Bored

"Only Boring People Are Bored" - Betty Draper, Mad Men

This Sunday marks the season premiere of one of my current favorite television shows, Mad Men. Great characters with great writing in a fantastic era of history...so I have fallen prey to all of the pre-season hype associated with the long awaited return of the show, and part of that hype are the countless quotes from various characters in season's past...all are the results of smart and witty writing, but the one that has stuck with me this week is from Betty Draper, Don Draper's ex-wife, who rattles off to her kids when they complain about being bored, that 'only boring people are bored.'

In weeks past, in the finding of stable ground, I have at times admittedly felt what I would term as being bored. After reading this quote, however, I have decided to take a different outlook and perspective towards my life and create interest and depth and purpose, so as to avoid this labeling...because, let it be clear, I am not boring. So hereby is a declaration...I will not be bored ever again, lest I be perceived as being boring.

I have created a simpler life, and with a simpler life comes a peace and calm, however, simplicity does not have to be uninteresting or lack depth. So perhaps my next challenge is to find the depth in the simplicity, for it is in that depth that the mind and heart are stimulated and challenged, and it is in those incitements that one does not feel bored.

I enjoy the peace of a simple life, but I require the stimulation of a more complex one...so I need to create that here, within my own confines, and create goals and a structure that allow me to obtain the satisfaction I receive from goals attained, even small and seemingly simplistic. I love my Bikram yoga, and it is absolutely an avenue that helps me in my journey to clarity, I love my job and it continues to provide me with a focus and structure that I require, I love the beauty of this island and the genuine aloha spirit that so many are willing to share. Now it is my responsibility to create purpose and meaning to a life with all these different facets...yes, that is my responsibility.

Stable Ground

“How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.”
― Elizabeth Lesser

A life in transition, but isn't life always in a transition? Daily, weekly, yearly, we are always in motion, or else we should be...

But in the transitioning, there needs to be stability and solid ground upon which to stand. Two feet on the ground and balanced and centered...and it is here from this position of stability and grounding that we can breathe deeply and find our confidence and voice, our voice to speak our truth and declare our true selves to the world...and ultimately give what we have to offer and receive all that we need.

So even walking on an unstable trail down to a pristine beach to walk in the sand, there needs to be balance and stability somewhere, else we just roll and tumble down the unstable hillside...I have managed to reach the bottom of the hillside, I may have slipped a bit on the way down the trail, but I feel as if I am on stable ground, and that I can begin to stand firm on my two feet. I feel balanced and I feel centered. Perhaps my 'search for aloha' will have to wait a bit while I take the time now to be comfortable in this place of grounding, or perhaps it is here in this grounding that my search begins and ends...not sure, but I am sure of this...that life is in constant motion, but that every day has a beginning and an ending, and it is within this complex structure that we all have to create a place of harmony, peace and balance.

The Empty Nest

Up until now, for the most part, I have been writing about my personal journey forward. To say that my life has changed dramatically in the past two years would be completely undermining the reality of my existence. Instead of treading forward on a path that was already etched out for me, I chose a fork in the road, a dirt path, and am proceeding forward on a path and future unknown, with complete faith that this is the journey that I was meant to be on...there are days that I question my intention and purpose, and there are days that I revel in the beauty and the freedom and the clarity. All days are part of the journey and process...

But there are some days that I reflect back, back to such a different reality. I am a mother, first and foremost, and though I look forward and move forward, I have heartstrings that forever are connected to two hearts. 

Not too many years ago, the schedule of my week, my month, my year and my life, was dictated by my children's schedule. Baseball season, softball season, daily swim team practice, swim meets, all-star baseball, soccer, football, basketball, choir rehearsals, performances, oh, and there was school, and children who got hot breakfasts and homemade lunches and comfort food for dinner....I was team mom, room mom and working mom. I was a mom. My joy and my fears were entwined in theirs...Harmon batting with 2 outs and the go ahead run at third base, Arya trying out for a solo in choir, Harmon missing a block or tackle, or getting a sack, Harmon becoming president of Greenbrook Elementary, Arya being 'Most-Valuable Alto", making Jazz Choir...my heart would pound and ache and rejoice in their moments. Their moments were my moments. Harmon delivered a brilliant speech during his high school baccalaureate, and Arya sang an amazing song, 'Hero', at her baccalaureate. In both cases, I had a difficult time containing my emotion, and I could literally feel my heart beating out of my chest...but they both were brilliant, they both 'nailed it' and the overwhelming feeling of pride and joy is hard to describe or express.

I have an empty nest now, but I have amazing children. They are beautiful people, inside and out. They are kind, they are sincere, they are not afraid of hard work, and anything they do, they do whole-heartedly. And though the schedule of my life no longer is dictated by theirs, I still remain their biggest fans, my heart still aches and rejoices in their moments, and they still give me an overwhelming feeling of pride and joy. 

And today I reflect, as I see many of my friends and family all still in the midst of the everyday...cherish this time, as it will soon be a reflection, and you will soon be reflecting on your memories and your own reflection.

The Music of Aloha

In trying to move forward with vision, clarity and intention here on the island, I have to look inward and remember what brought me here. There is magic here on the islands if you can sense it, but what was it that brought me that magical feeling? It was all that was sensual...the sights, the smells, the sounds, the taste, the feeling of the warmth...all of this was a draw and a pull for me to come here.

But I am a singer, and music calls to me and sings to my soul, it resonates in me. I feel emotion and sincerity in music...and Hawaiian music has so much beauty in its sounds and chords and harmonies. The emotion is real and so peaceful, and I don't even know what the lyrics mean most of the time...but it is beautiful music that has captured me and has drawn me in.

Two weeks ago I had the privilege of attending a live performance of Keali'i Reichel here in Kauai. He lives on Maui and does not regularly perform live. He brought one other guitarist and his cousin to dance hula...he was informal, had an open forum to ask questions, he talked story...it was perhaps one of the best evenings I have had on this island. And though I have been listening to his music for almost 20 years, it was an enriching evening of insight into this beautiful island culture and history.

The experience reminded me of the peace and calm that music can bring to us, and the clarity that it brings to the perception of our surroundings and our life. I have always turned to music in times of transition and challenge, and it has always brought me a sense of understanding and calm. I look forward to finding and experiencing more music of aloha here.

New Year, New Visions

It has been over a year now since I have been here on Kauai. So much has changed and the dreams of living in paradise have evolved into the reality of living on an isolated tropical island. I moved here with what I thought were clear intentions, to find a simpler life and enjoy the beauty and grace of nature.   
But simplicity is complex, and beauty and grace are in the eyes of the beholder.

So we have begun a new year, and I have begun my second year here on the island. Without going into detail, let me just say that at times this island has made me feel beaten and broken. In achieving a simple life, there are layers that need to be stripped and exposed, and for a highly over-thinking and over-processing person, this simplicity creates complexity and intensity that only exist in a very true and honest space. My yoga has been my 'safe place' and the place where I can simply be and exist without judgement. Without it I am not sure how this journey would have evolved, perhaps I would have fled by now.
In fact I am sure I would have fled by now...

But it is a New Year. And I have a new clarity and vision of what this journey is all about for me. I still have work to do here, and I still have layers that need to be exposed and healed. And there is beauty and grace here that I have not allowed myself to behold for I have been looking beyond the simplicity and into the past and future and not experiencing the reality and beauty of the present moment and its countless blessings.

So here, in the New Year, I am recommitting to a vision, a vision that I created for myself that I somehow lost sight of. I had clear intentions once upon a time...but once upon a time is a fairy tale sometimes. I have a vision and intention of vision and intention, simple or not.

Reality Revisited

Last Post: March 28th, 2012

I had been working two months at that point...still a new employee and relatively new to Kauai. I am now approaching my one year anniversary here on the island...have not written a blog for over 7 months...I think perhaps I should start afresh and continue...

So here we go...

Approaching my 12 month marker here on the island...thoughts on reality are quite different now. Island life is exactly just that...life on an island...islands are bodies of land that are isolated and removed from others...something in an isolated or surrounded position...I am, most certainly, on an island.
I have settled into my life here...but it is most definitely an island and an isolated life.

However, let me clarify this...I have not written a blog entry for all these months because I have been absolutely submerged and engulfed in my island life. I have a job that fulfills me and friends that surround me...and I have, quite honestly, been too busy and engulfed in my isolated island life to write a new blog entry all these months. Life dispersed and life scattered...now life contained and life isolated...but it is life nonetheless with all the same life responsibilities, challenges and consequences... life is life, on a tropical paradise island, or anywhere else....

So I revisit my thoughts, my shared thoughts, and I would like to continue my observations and sharing of my transformation...so much has happened since my last posting and perhaps I will revisit some of the high points...but maybe we will just continue from here....from this present reality

Are Your Chakras Open??

I am not sure how many of you have experienced this...not sure how many of you have been told this...BUT, I have been told I have 'open chakras.' Well, 'why thank you,' is my natural response...however, I have to be honest...though I was raised in an Indian home, in a Hindu household....I don't know what the hell a 'chakra' is.

But I have google...so I googled it. And, WOW, I have open chakras...aren't I neat?!

So here you go...my synopsis of chakras in a nutshell...there are 7 chakras...

Chakras are centers of energy, located on the midline of the body. There are seven of them, and they govern our psychological properties. The chakras located on the lower part of our body are our instinctual side, the highest ones our mental side.

The chakras can have various levels of activity. When they're "open," they're considered operative in a normal fashion.

Ideally, all chakras would contribute to our being. Our instincts would work together with our feelings and thinking. However, this is usually not the case. Some chakras are not open enough (being under-active), and to compensate, other chakras are over-active. The ideal state is where the chakras are balanced. To find out what the state of your chakras is, do the chakra test.

There exist lots of techniques to balance the chakras. Mostly techniques to open chakras are used. It makes no sense to try to make over-active chakras less active, as they are compensating for other chakras. To restore the compensation they'd be over-active again in no time. To stop them from compensating, the chakras they are compensating for must be opened. See the techniques to open 

Okay, so that was a copy and paste situation..only because I do not want to misrepresent information.

But I am fascinated with this...had my first encounter with acupuncture, which is a form of energy points in the body. And am in general interested and intrigued and in belief of energy and connection...

I have open chakras, so I have been told...I don't necessarily feel them, but I do sense them. I do believe in the energy, I believe in the concept, and well, I guess I believe in chakras.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It is?

Time. It is a dimension, like space. A thing that is complex and never ending that we as humans place and stamp with a clock and calendar so as to measure and define and objectify our importance and significance against it. We are truly insignificant against time, because, in the end, it still goes on indefinitely, beyond our comprehension, beyond our understanding, beyond our reach.

But we still measure time, because it is real, and the reality of time difference is very real.  I am in HST, Hawaiian Standard Time, which as of Sunday became a 3-hour time difference with my PST (Pacific standard time) friends and family, not to mention 5 and 6 hours with my Central and Eastern friends...and because of the ease of communication via phone, text, e-mail and Facebook, one would think that communication would be easy these days (compared to the days when my parents had to call their parents in India at all times of the day and night and talk at the top of their lungs just to be heard)...but it is not easy. Communication from here on the islands is difficult, it is a challenge, and it is frustrating at times.

It is now 7:30 pm here in Kauai. And it is a time where I have a natural inclination to pick up the phone and call my friends, call my family...but it is 10:30 in California and it is too late to call...forget about calling my friends/family in Chicago or Texas or New York...that window ended hours ago...

I had read about the isolation that people feel with not being able to communicate with their loved ones, but the onset of the reality of this is quite harsh. Communication with the West Coast basically breaks down at 6pm. It makes for a long evening into the night, and it makes one realize the dependence we truly have on the people we reach out to on a regular basis. The ability to pick up the phone and make a call is a concept that I once remembered...now, I pick up the phone, look at the time, and most often realize that I cannot make a call or text I wanted to make...it is most often too late. Luckily I am a morning person, and the ability to draw energy and connection in the morning is most often a reality, but sometimes it is not, and there are times when it takes days for me to connect with particular individuals because of scheduling issues.

Time. Just those few hours make such a big difference in the ability to communicate. I am feeling those hours, I am feeling those minutes, I am feeling lonely...because of time.

Where are you from?

'Aloha.' This is my greeting to people I speak with on the phone, this is my greeting as I meet new guests arriving at the resort, this is the greeting that I use, not as a novelty, but as a true form of communication of welcome and warmth. Aloha means hello, goodbye, love, I love you...whatever warm wish and spirit you wish to convey.

And I find everyone has a different reaction and response to my greeting. Some come right back with an authentic aloha...some giggle at the foreign word, some make a funny face and are unsure how to respond, but for the most part, it is a happy word, it is a word meant to create unity and harmony, so people react accordingly.

Part of my job is to engage in conversation and create a bond with my resort guests so I can best service them. In doing so, I most often find out where my guests are from, what their family situation is, and how and where they like to vacation. But in the short time I have been in this position, I have also come across the guest that is equally interested in my situation...and I have been asked, "where are you from?"

Well, well...what they do not realize is what an entirely loaded question that is for me. I have been asked this question my entire life.

People initially ask the question because they think I am a local Hawaiian, born and raised...but when I open my mouth and speak, most realize that I am probably not a native Hawaiian...so then their thoughts wander as to where I might be from...is she Pacific Islander? Brazilian? From Fiji? South American?   Only a few people guess I am of Indian heritage, only because I feel that most people have only had experience with people from India who have an accent that gives their heritage away.

So given that people are unsure of the response I will give them, my natural and first response, especially now as I am starting to feel a longing for my home, is 'Danville.' 'the Bay Area.' 'I grew up in Walnut Creek, went to Cal Berkeley, what else do you need to know?'

I find that people are not necessarily concerned that I am from Danville, but when they find that this is my response, their questioning seems to stop. They are satisfied that I am 'from' somewhere else....they are satisfied that I am from the mainland, because this makes them feel less out of place and more at home, for if I can utter the word 'aloha' and be from Danville, well then so can they.

Working Girl

Aloha. I feel it has been a while since I have last written a post and communicated about my life and transformation of life here on the island...and I think it is because I have actually been out living a new life and creating a new schedule and a new identity and trying to establish myself and my presence here on the island.

Bikram Yoga at the Yoga House in Kapa'a has become my new second home....I am practicing bikram yoga now at least 5 days a week, and although I am still very much of a beginner, I am becoming reliant on my instructors and their voice and mantras as a part of my near daily ritual of self-renewal and meditation. The physical demand of the practice is intense, but the mental and emotional commitment is overwhelming and entirely gratifying.

And I have started working again...as a Concierge at the Westin Princeville Ocean Resort Villas on the north shore of the island. It is about a 45 minute drive from my home on a two-lane highway, arguably one of the most beautiful commutes in the entire world. I see the ocean, sunrises, waterfalls, and rainbows all on my drive to work that passes from ocean to lush tropical foliage, to golf courses and taro fields. My desk overlooks the grounds of a 5-star resort that overlooks the Pacific Ocean, where at this time of year is a playground for humpback whales. Yes, I see whales spouting from my desk at work...

As I contemplate my life now and think about the months I spent imagining and dreaming and hoping what my life would be, I feel entirely blessed. I feel like I write now about a life and a present reality that I had written about several months ago as a dream and a vision. For those of you who have been reading my blogs, I work at the same resort as the 'Manager of Fun,' and his name is Kapule. Yes, I work at a resort where there is a core value that produces a job title 'Manager of Fun.' I am still amazed.

My job requires me to talk to people on their vacation about their vacations. My job requires me to talk to people about what they want to do for fun...what kind of food they like, what kind of memories they want to create...what makes them happy. And so if I have to live in Kauai, in paradise, and I have to earn a living...what better way to do so then to talk to people on vacation about their vacations...and the memories they want to create...and what makes them happy. That makes me happy.

Ni'ihau: The Forbidden Isle

We decided to do some exploring of the island, and though we had been to the West Coast of Kauai and seen the Napali Coast on a catamaran on a prior visit, we had not yet made the drive to the west side. The object of the day was to visit Waimea Canyon and familiarize ourselves a bit with the other side of our small island home.

We drove west to the town of Waimea and then up a narrow windy mountain road to a viewing point for the canyon. It is the largest canyon in the Pacific and measures 10 miles long, 1 mile wide, and over 3500 feet deep. Though smaller than the Grand Canyon, Waimea Canyon certainly rivals its beauty and majesty. It was formed by rivers and floods that flowed from the summit of Mount Waialeale, as well as different volcanic eruptions and lava flows over the centuries. A miraculous sight to behold.

On our way up the mountain to the canyon lookout, we were able to get a nice view of the only land that is visible from the island of Kauai. The island of Ni'ihau is the seventh inhabited island in the chain of Hawaiian Islands. It is located 17.5 miles to the southwest of Kauai and is privately owned currently by descendants of Elizabeth Sinclair, the original owner, who purchased the island from King Kamehameha in 1864 for $10,000.

The 200 residents of the island are all employees and family of the island cattle ranch and live in small homes, devoid of plumbing and electricity, provided by the ranch. Until recently, the entire island was off-limits to anyone but native-Hawaiian family members and invited guests of the owners. Though you can now visit the island via helicopter for a few hours, tourism is still very restricted. There are no hotels, no paved roads, cars, electricity, telephones, and the primary language spoken here is still Hawaiian. Fascinating. It is truly a 'land forgotten by time.' I hope to someday have the privilege of making a visit to this mysterious island, the only visible piece of land that I can see from my small island home.

The Comfort Zone

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” 
― Neale Donald Walsch

I came to Kauai with certain hopes and expectations, one of which centered around developing a life and lifestyle that is centered, authentic, passionate and connected to my environment. But though I am certain this is what I want, I was uncertain how I would go about achieving such a life. Does that just happen, where you one day realize that you are living the authentic life that you were searching for? Or are there steps involved, where you have to move in that direction consciously and knowingly? I tend to think it is the latter...

Not being sure, I am just trying to 'live.' Exercising, searching for a job, shopping, cooking, waiting for that 'something' that triggers me into forward motion, the type of forward motion that I need to enter into my new life. I am trying new things, determined to try as many different island activities that I can, waiting to find something to embrace.

So last week I tried two new things. Early in the week I paddled a kayak up the Wailua River and I absolutely loved it. It was the first time I had ever been in a kayak, paddled a kayak or done any sport in that small of a water craft. It was an activity that I had pictured myself doing even before I got here, and I have aspirations to join a paddling team at some point, not only for the amazing workout, but for the teamwork, camaraderie and the opportunity to spend time on the water. I have always been athletic and prefer competitive sports to a solitary workout, but due to several knee injuries I have had to give up my tennis. This could be the perfect island replacement:) More to follow...

And today I did my second Bikram Yoga class. For those of you unfamiliar with this practice, it is a series of 26 poses done in a 105 degree heated studio for 90 minutes. The series of poses are always the same, in the same sequence, so it allows you to truly master the poses for the full effect and benefit. The initial pose is a stretch where the instructor tells you to stretch your hips to the left, as far as you can, beyond the point of comfort, and that this is where the stretch begins...and though I heard the same instructions on Friday, today it struck me that this point of stretching beyond where you are comfortable is where this practice of yoga is asking you to start. Beyond your comfort zone.

Starting beyond where you feel comfortable is where you are to start this class...with the idea that when you are finished, that you will have moved far beyond that point of comfort, discomfort, into an area which you are capable of going, but so often are afraid to go. So often it is our mind which holds us back. And in practicing this form of yoga, the power, strength, energy and confidence that I have felt just after two classes has been joyous. So perhaps this is the 'something' I will embrace, at least for now, for it seems that it may assist and ground me enough to cross the threshold into a centered and authentic life lived with joy, passion and gratitude.

And for my friends and family who know me well, you all know that this very well may be an obsession that I have for a while, in the same vain as tennis, softball, racquetball and even my 'crafty' phase of life...but all of those activities where I have thrown myself in head first, have all served me well, and had a purpose in the moments that they served me. So for now, as I am beginning my new life, this may be the 'something' that I need to embrace to propel me, to make me reach beyond my comfort zone and begin to live.

Validation

val·i·date  (vl-dt) tr.v. val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing, val·i·dates 1. To declare or make legally valid. 2. To mark with an indication of official sanction. 3. To establish the soundness of; corroborate.

So we have moved into our new home, have started settling into our new environment, but have not entirely grasped that this is our new reality and life...everything still seems seems unreal and as if it is not our 'real' life, but rather a vacation, an extended vacation, or simply a dream...until this week. My daughter, Arya, is visiting us for the week from the Mainland...and though last week my cousin and family were here for a vacation, the presence of my daughter here establishes a grounding and reflection that we have not had until this point.

Although she is away at college and we are empty-nesters, nonetheless, she was not long ago a part of our day-to-day life in suburbia, or 'suburgatory' as I am liking to call it these days:) So she is the voice of my former life and the life which I left behind...it is a life that she did not leave behind, for she is here for only a week and is on a short vacation and her quest is to gain a tan before she goes back to college at UNR. Her observations are different than mine...her observations are that of an outsider, from my former life, observing the life that I have stepped into. And this is my new life, and it is such a different one than the one that I had such a short time ago...but I forget that, being submerged and wanting so desperately to have this become my reality and my truth. I forget that Danville is where she is from, where she considers 'home' and where she, as a 19 year old, has every right to embrace and continue to be drawn to as her 'home base.'

After the first night here, she requested earplugs, for she was not used to the 'island noises' at night, as the sound of nature kept her awake, awoke her, and was generally bothersome. My home is basically open to the outside at all times, and nature permeates inside the home. I am constantly aware of the various birds, roosters, chickens, crickets, mosquitos, geckos, butterflies and other creatures that exist just outside my door...in fact, I now can distinguish the crowing of the different roosters and know them by sight.

But certainly this is not how life in 'suburgatory' is, was, or ever will be...this is a more open life, open to nature, open to the world and more open to possibilities. I can feel it, I can smell it, I can taste it, touch it and hear it. It is a reality that seems to be closer to nature and to the senses, and because of that, perhaps a reality that is closer to the truth, or at least the truth that I am seeking.

So there is validation in my reality now...validation that acknowledges the place from which I came...to the place that I now live and am embracing as my reality and life. Noone here knows that I stood in the rain at the Bart station...that I ran in high heels to catch a train, that I got home some nights from work at midnight on the last day of the month only to have to return hours later, that there were months where I had to work 12 days straight, because that is how the month 'fell.'

I am through chasing and running through life. I am over running for anything in my high heels...for there is simply nothing I need so badly that I am in such a hurry. Arya has reminded me of the life that I left behind...and though I miss the people I have left behind, I do not miss the life. I am not in a hurry, I am not running to or from anything, I am content in keeping the pace that I keep, and I feel like I am in a place that will be content in my doing so.

The Hindu Monastery

I was unsure about writing this post, because although I have shared personal experiences here, I am always apprehensive about talking on the subject of religion. Perhaps it is because I am not a fundamentally religious person, but am a spiritual person. I do not have a doctrine or dogma by which I stand...and I certainly do not wish my beliefs to offend others.

When asked about my religion, my response is that I was raised Hindu. I am of Indian heritage, and I was raised in a household where all Hindu holidays and festivals were meticulously observed and celebrated. It is the only religion that I have ever really had exposure to, with the exception of the occasional Catholic mass or Christian church service at friend's weddings or other occasions where I was singing at a church. That being said, I do not actively engage in the practice of any religion, but like so many people, am in pursuit of finding inner peace and truth.

So after we had decided to move here, in doing my research before moving, I discovered that there was a Hindu temple here on the island. I found this initially to be a sign of some sort that I had made the right decision about which island to move to... I knew that the general vicinity of the temple was near my new home, but really did not think too much about it.

My cousin and his wife and children were visiting Kauai here from Chicago this week. They are far more religious than I, and unlike myself, are more practicing of their religion. They had planned on visiting the temple, and since they were going, I asked if they wouldn't mind taking me along. I had wanted to visit the temple because it was something here on the island to be experienced, and I did want to do so. As a Hindu attending a traditional Siva 'puja,' a religious ritual, we were asked to wear traditional Indian clothing. Luckily, I had brought a single outfit for the possibility of such a visit...

Literally four minutes farther up the hill from my home, we arrived at the temple. I knew it was close, but I had no idea simply how close it was! There were several others waiting for the puja to begin, and as we entered the grounds, a sudden transformation occurred...it is as if we were all lifted to a higher ground, land marked with peace and tranquility...does beauty like this even exist in the real world? I am in a beautiful location for sure, but imagine then being transported almost instantaneously to an even more spectacular realm and foreground, a 350 acre lush and tropical piece of heaven.

If one wished to find peace and tranquility and the heart and soul of their religion, whatever religion that may be, I cannot imagine a better and more suitable location to do so. I was overcome by the majesty and beauty of this place, and I shall return again in the very near future, because it truly is a place that calls to you. My wish is that everyone would have the opportunity to see what I have seen in this peaceful place of worship, if for nothing else than to experience the grandeur of its simplicity, the majesty of its quiet.