I Am My Mother's Daughter

"My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter." - Spanglish, 2004

Today is what would be my mother's 73rd birthday. I didn't even realize it when I woke up this morning...but when I glanced at the date on my computer screen at work, it struck me.

She passed away 15 years ago, the "C" word, she was only 58. But she wasn't just a mother to myself and my brother, she was the matriarch of our entire extended family in this country.

Mount Annapurna in the Himalayas

Anna, her name was Annapoorna, sanskrit for 'the giver of food and nourishment', was exactly that. She thought nothing of having 100 people over to our house for dinner parties, and she did it often. I grew up in a home where we always had family and friends over for dinner, and regularly had huge gatherings where my mother was the hostess, chef and entertainment. She was an accomplished Indian Carnatic music singer, and after she served everyone a multi-course extravagant gourmet dinner, she would then sing for everyone into the night. She was always the last to want to leave a party, she was always laughing, she always found the humor and positive in everything, she loved having fun and she loved life. This was my upbringing...I was raised by a woman who felt that life was to be celebrated to the fullest.


She was an amazing woman. She was strong, she was smart, she was talented, she was beautiful, she was funny. She was not afraid.

She would have been 73 today, yet I never knew my mother as an old woman, she left us at such a young age.
My children were 7 and 5 at the time, my niece and nephew not yet born. My kids remember her, but they were still so young, though the last words she spoke were to my son in the hospital, "Go home and be happy." 



Today I have been reflecting, and I often wonder what my mother would think of my life path and journey, and what words she would have for me now...I do not nearly possess her strength and courage.

And yet, I am my mother's daughter. 

A Weekend on the Island

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.”― Henry David Thoreau, Walden: Or, Life in the Woods

I read "Walden" before I moved to the island...Kauai is my equivalent to Thoreau's woods. It is isolated and solitary, yet it has allowed me to focus on the essential facts of life, and I am attempting to learn what it has to teach me. The island has me attempting to discover that which is real and true, what is necessary, what is frivolous, what is frivolous yet necessary for me, and the ability to recognize the difference.

I have been feeling a little beaten up lately. Not everyone shares the same vision or desire to focus on the 'prana' or life force which drives us and guides us. And of late, I have lost my focus as well, and am struggling to regain my center. So this weekend, I decided to create two days that would recharge me and nourish my spirit.

My 'weekend' is Tuesday and Wednesday. My first commitment is to my yoga. 90 minutes of grueling heat and postures, and as my teacher said yesterday, 90 minutes of intention without expectation.

An amazing class and an amazing way to start most days. Shower and then off to Ke'e Beach, where I basked in the sun, swam in the sea, and saw a monk seal basking as well!

Heading home I was fortunate to catch the end of a beautiful Farmer's Market in Hanalei, and was able to replenish my supply of organic fruits and vegetables...day ended with a delicious homemade quinoa pilaf with onion, tomatoes, green beans, carrots and basil, all fresh from the market.

Today I had a snorkeling excursion with Reef Guides Hawaii. As an excursion that I regularly recommend and book for work, I wanted to experience this particular guided tour through one of the reefs here on North Shore. For those of you who know me well, you know that although I am quite athletic, swimming, especially ocean swimming, is not my forte. Yet I found myself signed up for a snorkeling trip where I would be swimming about 250 yards off shore...and though initially I was panicked, I talked myself into just breathing and staying calm, and I was able to turn my fear into strength and had an exhilarating morning and afternoon. And to top it off, my guide commented on what a good swimmer I was...I love it!

Fresh mango salsa heaped on pan-grilled opah, and then a written reflection to end the day...a great weekend on the island. Simple, not glamorous, yet true to self, true to my center.

On the Grid Again: A City Vacation

Well. I just returned from a 12-day long vacation on the Mainland...and where does someone who lives a simple island life go on vacation? The city. With skyscrapers and shopping malls and bridges spanning large bodies of water, back to civilization...and it was fun and amazing, maybe the best vacation ever.

First stop, Portland. My son graduated with his MBA from Willamette University's Atkinson School of Business...on Mother's Day. What a gift, a year since I had seen my children last. It was a day full of joy and pride and happiness. Four nights spent in Portland, kids, shopping, the beginning of a 12-day fine dining journey, a Bikram yoga class in a new studio in Portland, and did I mention great meals and no sales tax??

On to San Francisco, the familiar, the place I called home for nearly all my life. It was so much fun to be there...I ate food in restaurants that I had been craving for months, I ate in new restaurants I had always wanted to go to, I saw some of my best friends and colleagues, I was a tourist in my own city, took pictures of the Bay Bridge and Union Square, and had a smile on my face the entire time...it was honestly the funnest few days I have had in a long while.

And lastly to the South Bay, San Jose, to stay with my brother and family...I spent time with them, my father, got to see my niece in her school talent show, got to go to my nephew's little league game, and have a family dinner with my aunt and uncle and cousins as well.

Such a well-rounded vacation, a perfect balance of family, friends, home and city. I enjoyed every minute of my time off the island...and yet, I am so happy and tranquil being back home, on my island, my new home.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is such an all encompassing word, we are told we should forgive, that it is a virtue to forgive, that it will set you free...and yet when we speak of forgiveness, so often we are speaking of forgiving another person, someone and something external to us.

I have been spending a lot of time alone, in a beautiful place. And I have lately been having pangs of extreme happiness and joy...and in my moments of overwhelm, I question why and how I am feeling this way, why and how I deserve this...and I have realized the answer. I have been having surges of forgiveness...forgiveness to myself. 

I have for years and years held myself to such a high standard. I have spent a lifetime judging myself. And though I still have that high standard for myself, I have of late allowed myself room to breathe, room to be human, and have allowed myself to begin to forgive the countless mistakes that I have made in my lifetime...the same countless mistakes that I forgive in others...yet I have allowed that forgiveness to roll in my direction and I have allowed myself the same compassion that I direct towards others.

And in that forgiveness and compassion, I see and feel happiness. True happiness. I am a fun-loving and kind person, light in spirit and at times, even funny:)  I am enjoying the times of lightness...enjoying being happy...and I am realizing that I am as entitled to that feeling as anyone else...there is no telling what I can bring to the world with my positive light and energy...to be continued:) 

Moving Personal Space

I am getting ready to move early next week...not much more than a mile up the road. But moving is difficult, and though I don't have much 'stuff' anymore, it is still a challenging process. For those of you who do not know, I had shed most all possessions prior to moving to the island. I sold my pretty house, my pretty car, my pretty furniture, my pretty 'stuff'...all to come to the island with minimal baggage.

But moving is not just the moving of the stuff, it is the moving of your personal space...and that is sometimes the challenging aspect of the move. My physical items will be moved in a matter of a few hours, with the help of a few friends, but the shift of personal space is the move that requires an open mind and a willingness to shift perspective to be open to a reality that is different and new. One grows accustomed and attached to their personal space and comfort zone, and moving requires a shift in all that has been comfortable and a stepping out of what has been the routine. There will be yet another new routine, there will be yet another new schedule, there will be yet another new shift in my reality...a reality that has been in transition for the last several years now.

And so I will be moving and transitioning again...all of my moves have been good ones, and this will be also, but it is still a change in my personal space, and a lesson to not get too attached to one's space, because it is ever changing, and that is what makes life so interesting. Life will be a bit new and different next week, and I will transition and shift into a new reality and personal space...looking forward to my new, and did I mention, oceanfront life...next blog will include pictures...aloha!

Only Boring People Are Bored

"Only Boring People Are Bored" - Betty Draper, Mad Men

This Sunday marks the season premiere of one of my current favorite television shows, Mad Men. Great characters with great writing in a fantastic era of history...so I have fallen prey to all of the pre-season hype associated with the long awaited return of the show, and part of that hype are the countless quotes from various characters in season's past...all are the results of smart and witty writing, but the one that has stuck with me this week is from Betty Draper, Don Draper's ex-wife, who rattles off to her kids when they complain about being bored, that 'only boring people are bored.'

In weeks past, in the finding of stable ground, I have at times admittedly felt what I would term as being bored. After reading this quote, however, I have decided to take a different outlook and perspective towards my life and create interest and depth and purpose, so as to avoid this labeling...because, let it be clear, I am not boring. So hereby is a declaration...I will not be bored ever again, lest I be perceived as being boring.

I have created a simpler life, and with a simpler life comes a peace and calm, however, simplicity does not have to be uninteresting or lack depth. So perhaps my next challenge is to find the depth in the simplicity, for it is in that depth that the mind and heart are stimulated and challenged, and it is in those incitements that one does not feel bored.

I enjoy the peace of a simple life, but I require the stimulation of a more complex one...so I need to create that here, within my own confines, and create goals and a structure that allow me to obtain the satisfaction I receive from goals attained, even small and seemingly simplistic. I love my Bikram yoga, and it is absolutely an avenue that helps me in my journey to clarity, I love my job and it continues to provide me with a focus and structure that I require, I love the beauty of this island and the genuine aloha spirit that so many are willing to share. Now it is my responsibility to create purpose and meaning to a life with all these different facets...yes, that is my responsibility.

Stable Ground

“How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.”
― Elizabeth Lesser

A life in transition, but isn't life always in a transition? Daily, weekly, yearly, we are always in motion, or else we should be...

But in the transitioning, there needs to be stability and solid ground upon which to stand. Two feet on the ground and balanced and centered...and it is here from this position of stability and grounding that we can breathe deeply and find our confidence and voice, our voice to speak our truth and declare our true selves to the world...and ultimately give what we have to offer and receive all that we need.

So even walking on an unstable trail down to a pristine beach to walk in the sand, there needs to be balance and stability somewhere, else we just roll and tumble down the unstable hillside...I have managed to reach the bottom of the hillside, I may have slipped a bit on the way down the trail, but I feel as if I am on stable ground, and that I can begin to stand firm on my two feet. I feel balanced and I feel centered. Perhaps my 'search for aloha' will have to wait a bit while I take the time now to be comfortable in this place of grounding, or perhaps it is here in this grounding that my search begins and ends...not sure, but I am sure of this...that life is in constant motion, but that every day has a beginning and an ending, and it is within this complex structure that we all have to create a place of harmony, peace and balance.